Sunday, May 20, 2012

Catching myself

These past two weeks have been absolutely hectic. I have a lot going on with work, Cate's school, the PTA, my women's club charity event, my writing group, planning Cate's birthday party and our upcoming trips to Scotland and New Zealand. I'm as busy as ever but I think I'm burning out now. I've been rather emotional and drained. the stupid tennis elbow and tendonitis is not helping either.

Maybe it's the pace I've been keeping that's made me weepy. I've been thinking of my sister quite a bit lately. It's little things that just trigger a lost memory and the grief of loss slams you against a wall. That happened to me this week as I was tagging all of Cate and X's clothing for our charity Nearly New Sale of kids clothing and toys. I couldn't bring myself to sell a few items that Tracy gave to them. She had wonderful taste and showered Cate with dresses and X with outfits. Those that were most precious I gave to friends I love. I've saved a few for my pregnant friends expecting girls as well. It makes me happy to know they are going to little girls I know and adore.

But no one wanted the snowsuit Cate is wearing in the photo above. She's only wearing the top as the bottom is too small.  But Tracy picked that suit out. And I remember us in our backyard in Brooklyn when Cate was just 2 wearing that suit which was too big for her, plunking around in the giant piles of snow with the neighbor's yellow lab Emma. Tracy and I laughed our heads off. She had so much patience with Cate and they made a snowman and snow angels while I watched from the window (I had just had X two weeks earlier). It's a good memory for me.

Since no one wanted the snowsuit I decided to put it in the sale. I didn't realize what a mistake that was going to be for me throughout the day. I saw a family walking around with it and was happy that it found a home. But they put it back on the rack. All day I watched that suit hanging on the rack being pushed aside, overlooked, fingered and replaced on the bar - all day. It was torture for me. How could no one want the suit that Tracy bought and we loved so much? How could it possibly not be good enough for any of these hundreds of people milling around?

It didn't sell. I watched it being put into the donation box at the end of the day and it seriously crushed my soul. I had run into the bathroom a few times during the day to snap out of it. I called poor Fen a few times who kept telling me that it was just a piece of clothing, we had photos of them together with Cate wearing it and I needed to let it go. I knew I had to which is why I didnt' take it off the floor. I held out hope that it would be bought but it didn't.

Grief just creeps up on you in unlikely places and it's hard to hold it together. Little things trigger emotions I've tried really hard to come to terms with for the past ten months since Tracy died. But the one year anniversary is coming up. It's Cate's last day of school so I'm happy for the distraction. I just thought it would get easier to deal with her absence but it doesn't. It gets harder and more painful. I don't think it will ever be easy.

But after a good nights sleep I realize that a child in need will get that suit and that makes me happy. I didn't need to worry about it. It's gone where it needs to be. Tracy would have loved that. All is good again. And I'm not selling anything at the sale next year!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Honey. I feel for you. Times are hard at the mo, and I can't imagine being without a sister.

    I'm sending all my love to you and hope we can get together again in the summer.

    Chin up gal! xx


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