Tuesday, March 6, 2012

OM!

That is the sacred syllable Om. I need a little more om in my life! I said I'd slow down and yet I have not. Not even a little. Not even the tiniest bit. If anything, I've got more going on than ever. It wasn't on purpose, and it's mostly all good but still. I'd love a little downtime, or do I?

My trip to NY was too short and too rushed - I had a great time and would go back in a heartbeat, but what I want is a little downtime here. I did it to myself so I can't feel any pity - the thing is - how do I get OUT of this? Moving here was tough - so I decided I was not going to sit at home and rot, I got out there, met people, made friends, joined groups, signed up for PTA and still work full time. Now, I'm in a decent rhythm, but all my time is filled. All of it.

I cut back on PTA, women's group, put X in nursery for four hours a week and  yet, my time is still filled. I refuse to give up my friendships or work so what goes? Not the PTA - but I have decided to take a smaller role next year. Not my womens' group - but I have taken a less demanding role for next year.

For now I'll have to tough it out because I like everything I'm involved in - I just need things to slow down a little this summer and then start fresh in September. But can I hold on until then? I've cancelled on people a lot lately. I've missed out on outings due to work which is unfortunate, but it can't be helped.

The good news? My work is going gangbusters - doing really well so far this year and it's promising to be a banner year for me as well. I'm back full time for about six months now and it feels good.

You're probably wondering why I fill my dance card so much. The other day Fen took the kids out for an hour. In that hour I had nothing to do. It was Sunday - so there were no emails to return, no calls to make, no PTA, no women's club functions. It was just me. I was doing fine until I caught a glimpse of my sister's photo. Even though she died almost eight months ago - it does not get easier. It gets considerably harder and harder to think that she is gone. Forever. FOREVER. It is just too much to bear. I can't think about it so I walked down the hall and worked on a proposal. And then I was fine (ish) again. And I thank God for my busy life.

4 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean about filling your time. I lost my mum when I was 25 and made sure my life was so full on for the next 2 years that I barely had time to stop and think. On the plus side it was good career-wise as I worked like a fiend; on the social side I was a bit out of control. But it helps you get through and come out the other side. x

    ReplyDelete
  2. So sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine it.
    I seem to spend my life thinking "When it all slows down", and in fact, as you point out, it's me that's filling my dance card.
    I think it might also be a cultural thing - I find Americans less willing or able to just "do nothing". Most of my friends always have to have something organised, and when we go back to school on Mondays and say that we didn't "do" anything over the weekend, most people are quite surprised.
    Definitely take up the "Om"; it will probably help on a lot of fronts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know exactly how you feel...I have so many commitments plus my business and son and husband and friends (not that I have many that I see anymore) and I wonder how I fit it all in! I do know people are understanding when I tell them I need to step back and take a break.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have a feeling that the reason you have filled all your time is subconsciously deliberate..if that makes sense. I think it was a distraction to stop you thinking too much about the loss of your sister. So when you suddenly found yourself with that free hour..what did you do?
    It will get easier, but it will take time. Just take small steps.
    Sending you lots of love xxx

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead, make my day!