Monday, January 16, 2012

That time again...

I have a tendency to get a tad gloomy around this time every year. I'm big on cleaning house - and I mean tossing everything in sight at the turn of each year. It's like I'm getting rid of the old to make way for the new.

But, today I was just about to unsubscribe from and it's weekly emails when I stopped myself. I've been receiving emails from them from my very first pregnancy back in 2006 (miscarried, unfortunately) and lived by them through both pregnancies and for years after. Now I don't even read them anymore - I just hit delete. Until today.

I'm not having any children, I don't pretend to entertain the idea - it's not going to happen. I'm too old, for one, and it's almost laughable to think of me pregnant again (I don't think the world would survive a third pregnancy of mine!) But that doesn't stop me from being nostalgic. My little man grows and grows. Cate is a little girl, no trace of baby left whatsoever. I have no baby anymore. This is good and bad. Today, it's not so great for grumpy old me as I sit hear listening to them in the bath with their father supervising. I don't need baby things anymore. That part of my life is over.

For a small part of my childhood and a larger part of my adulthood (especially when I turned 33!) I dreamed of finding the right man, having children and living happily ever after. I dreamed about that for decades! Finding the right man - check. Having children - check. Done that (and well, if I do say so myself).

Now what? I'm always reevaluating my life and what I want to do with it. I always feel that there is more that I can do. I'm at the top of my game professionally (infact was named in the top 150 dealmakers in publishing this week), have a sweet husband, adorable kids, wonderful family, a decent flat (don't get me started on this one), a job I truly enjoy, and a good life.

Still, I want more. What more can I do, really? I thought about it and I know what it is. I want to write a book. I keep playing at it but I don't really ever do it. I tap a few words out on the keyboard from time to time but I don't take it seriously. I think I want to write it in earnest this year. I'm a member of TWO writer's groups - you'd think I'd be more into it. What was a hobby I want to put onto the front burner. I want a book....and books are author's I guess I do want another baby! Guess I'll keep around for a tad longer.


  1. Go for it! I got my big publishing deal after I was 40! One thing I must warn you though, I also had a 5 month old baby on my lap - to go with the 10 and 7 year olds so be very careful!!!

  2. I keep thinking I wouldn't mind another one...I just dont want to have to do the whole pregnancy and major surgery nonsense to get the baby into the world. And besides...I'm not very good at's a tough thing to accept...not having more children. Perhaps if I were 5 years younger.

  3. I think you should go for the book. And maybe another baby as well? Life's short...don't wait till it's too late! xxx

  4. That's the spirit! Can we go on book tour together? WHAT FUN!

    A part of my baby is on Authonomy now - getting good feedback actually....

    Write, write, write.

  5. Reading this post almost seems like I'm reading about myselft. I too am looking for a change. For me possibly a new career. I'm not sure. My husband and I have two children as well. Our youngest is about to be 2 in March, and baby stuff...long gone. Why I wanted it out of my house so fast, not sure, but the minute I knew I was done with it, it was donated. My husband was quite surprised by my actions. Although I am sure we are finished with having babies, I too do the same with the emails.....I just hit delete.

    Thanks for sharing. Its nice to know I'm not the only one living this.

  6. you gotta sit down and start typing...


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